Today I woke up to another ending in what has felt like an endless journey. Today the man that was convicted for the murder of 270 precious souls in the bombing of Pan Am 103, and later released from Scottish prison on compassionate grounds, has died from cancer. He is dead. The man who once was sentenced to life for killing my mother. It was mind-blowing when he was released from prison three years ago. I couldn’t believe it. It is a difficult thing knowing that there has been no justice in this situation whatsoever. At least none that can be seen. But there is justice–God’s justice. And the news of yet another element in this seemingly endless journey of dealing with all things related to Pan Am 103 is staggering in some ways. It was unexpected to hear. They released him from prison because they didn’t think that he would live more than three months, and it has been three years. And the news of his death is affecting me–how could it not? It is taking me back to six months ago when Gaddafi died. This is big in the way of it being another closed door of this endless situation. It means that Pan Am 103 is becoming even more a thing of the past, at least in the public world, and that is very good. This is becoming the past, and in the past is where I need it to be.
This morning in church, before the service even really began, the worship leader asked all of us to reflect on God’s goodness, and to thank God for one way that we have seen His goodness in our lives in this past week. As I closed my eyes and tried to let go of all of the thoughts running through my mind, there was only one thing that really stood out to thank God for–the selling of my house. It was surprising in a way, in a really good way, to realize that I am thanking God for this–that I recognize it as an aspect of His marvelous goodness and love in my life, as well as something that I can offer Him out of my great love for Him. I am thanking Him for this season of letting go. Because even in the terrible pain of it, it is coming from Him, from a place of love. And I know that I need it so deeply inside. I am letting go of so many different things, yet also stepping closer and closer to my God, and becoming more like Him in the process. As I am realizing just how known and seen I am by my Savior King, I am being changed in remarkable ways. Of course I can thank Him for this season of letting go. He is giving me the goodbye that I never got to say to my mom. He is giving me a door to walk through, and allowing there to be closure on this giant journey of healing. And He is preparing me for a brand new dawn. I am entirely thankful, and truly humbled. I am amazed at the ways that He is working in my life, and I know that He is working in so many profound ways that I cannot even see. This season of letting go truly is a testament to God’s goodness in my life, of His utter love. It is a gift that He has given me, His daughter that He truly sees and knows from the inside out. It is love.
As I thought on these things earlier in church, I was also very aware of just how complicated I have managed to make this journey for myself as well. True, the words that started this all came from God–words that said “tell your story.” Yet it was I that took those words and put the pressure on myself to write this great bestselling novel of my life. All along, God was just trying to show me how much He loves me by taking me through a season of suffering. He was conforming me more into His image. He was simply loving me–exactly what my counselor has been trying to get me to see for the past year now, especially last fall as I dealt with many difficult moments of this journey. She said that I needed to stop trying to be useful, and just let God love me. And in this season of letting go, that has finally happened. This isn’t about a book, this is about me. This is about God’s goodness and love as He has created a wonderful path that has allowed me to grieve deeply for someone that I will always love greatly. The many difficult moments of this journey have also been moments of pure and utter grace. Yes, I will rejoice in God’s goodness, and I am happy to be able to offer Him some of the biggest parts of me. Because there is nothing that I want more than to be completely His.