So clearly I haven’t been blogging in a while. I haven’t really wanted to. I haven’t had much to say. I’ve basically been a hermit. Not exactly how I like to live, but I was choosing to embrace where I was at and not feel bad about it, because sometimes you just have to do that. Honestly, I have had such extreme anxiety in the past few weeks that it has literally been crippling. It’s disrupted my normal life. Like, I haven’t wanted to leave my house. Like going to the grocery store has been overwhelming. Having to anticipate doing something, anything, has caused me so much stress that I was starting to get anxiety about my feelings of anxiousness. I’ve maybe only been talking to exactly one handful of people in my cloistered world. It’s been a lot. And I haven’t been able to explain it, which is the hardest part. I have been living in this constant state of panic that I haven’t been able to turn off, which has been all the worse because I haven’t known why it has been happening. I know anxiety when I am going through life’s trials, but I haven’t been. This has been bigger than me. But I want my life back. I will have my life back.
I’m sharing this because even though it isn’t something that I want to talk about, that I don’t even particularly want to share with the people close to me, let alone the world, it is important. It is a part of who I am. And I want to document all aspects of this journey that I am on. I have promised to never be less than who I fully am, and this is part of who I am right now. I am a person that can become so debilitated by anxiety that I don’t leave the house. Clearly not ideal, but it’s the truth.
I’m also sharing this because I am finally at the place where I have some answers. Answers that finally help me make sense of what the heck has been going on and why I haven’t been able to turn it off. I partly am writing this all down as my own attempt to process a multitude of information that I learned about my health today. Basically, I am unhealthy. I have had gut issues on and off my entire life, and incidentally have also had anxiety on and off. It reached a climax when I was diagnosed with celiac disease. Taking all the gluten out of my system improved my health dramatically, but I still have a lot of problems. Years and years of an unhealthy gut coupled with the havoc wreaked upon my system by gluten has resulted in quite a lot of issues going on in my life right now. I am blessed to be able to have the resources available to me to do something about it. Hence all of the above.
Last week I went to the doctor to finally address some of the things going on–the anxiety and my gut that although has improved with no gluten has still never felt completely healthy. I decided to go to a naturopath because I wanted someone who would address the issues I am facing in a natural way, and not prescribe me medicines to mask the symptoms without dealing with the root causes. I learned so much in that initial appointment just talking about my entire health history to leave me blown away. And then I got the first round of blood panel results back today, and I am even more blown away. I’ve got issues, man! Thankfully I can do something about them.
So my gut is messed up. Like so messed up. Like basically I was told that I am in a state of starvation because my body does not absorb any nutrients whatsoever. Basically I eat and what I eat just sits and hangs out for a bit and then it goes away. Without providing any nutrients to my system. Part of the reason is because years of an unhealthy gut has left me with no healthy bacteria to break down food and absorb these nutrients. And also because evidently I have no stomach acid to break down food to begin with. Crazy! You would think for a person that is told that they are basically starving that they would be skinnier. What the hey, man? But I also have zero metabolism, so maybe that’s part of it. So now I am on an intensive heal-my-gut mission.
The interesting part of all of this is seeing just how interrelated all of my problems are right now. Yes, I have been having the most crazy anxiety of my life, but it’s because I’m not healthy. It’s because I’m not absorbing the nutrients I need, therefore not producing essentials like serotonin, which calms your body down when you are in a state of stress. Basically my body is incapable of producing anything to help me mellow out when those moments of panic hit. I literally cannot calm down. My body won’t let me. It’s kind of fascinating to me. And also explains a lot.
All of this also means that my thyroid hasn’t been functioning as it should, so I need to boost that as well. I also have extremely low cholesterol, so I am even more justified in eating bacon every morning for breakfast, thank you very much! My doctor told me I should try to eat an entire stick of butter (organic grass fed butter, of course–the least disruptive to my lactose intolerance, and the best tasting) each week. Who gets told to eat more butter?! I’ll take it. Everything is better with butter. So that’s a lot going on. And I’m still waiting on two more tests to come back and was given another one today. Yikes.
It is so good to have answers. I cannot tell you how relieved I am. It doesn’t necessarily mean I feel better, but knowing that there is a reason for all of this that has been going on just helps me breathe easier. And I can do something about it. Like take 15 different powders/pills/creams each day for three months. My life is going to revolve around the morning smoothie I make every day loaded with 6 supplements before I even begin to put in actual fruit and veggies to make a smoothie. It will be worth it. Having to take pills with every meal so I can actually break down that meal is going to be worth it. Having to endure hanging out with needles in my arm twice a week will be worth it.
I got my first nutritional IV today packed with so many nutrients to start the healing process. The idea behind these IVs is to bypass my gut which can’t absorb these things right now and put them directly into my bloodstream. They said it takes about a half hour for these IVs to go through. Mine finished in 15 minutes, that’s how starving my body was for these nutrients. Crazy. And I’m telling you, I felt an immediate difference. I walked into that office in my little anxious bubble and just calmed down as these nutrients flowed. After I left and was on my way home, I almost wanted to cry because I felt like I was finally getting a glimpse of what healthy actually feels like. It’s amazing, by the way. I’m trying not to put too much stock in how I am feeling in this moment because it was day one and I got three months of this ahead of me before we recheck my blood levels. Quite a commitment. But it’s answers. It’s a beginning. And with this approach, I fully believe that I will get to the most healthy place I have ever been.
Although my morning smoothie may also be the grossest thing in the world with all of the additions to it, but here’s hoping!