This is hard to write. These aren’t the kinds of things that I like to share. But I want to real. I want to be truthful. I want to show up and share what God calls me to even if it is ugly and isn’t filled with all the good feels. So that’s what this post is. It’s about where I am in this point and time in my life and with wrestling with something I think we all wrestle with in different ways and at different times. Something that is so fundamentally untrue but that feels so entirely true a lot of the time: that God is holding out on us. That as we chase after things that matter in our lives and have hearts that desire certain things more than any other and it continues to go unmet, that it is hard to believe that all He wants is goodness.
This is something I know is not true. I know that God isn’t really holding out on me. But sometimes that is how it feels. It feels like I’m always on the sidelines of the life I’ve always wanted, and I just get so tired of it. So frustrated by it. And I wonder when it will ever change and then I doubt that it ever will, and all manner of telling myself that God has me right where He wants me, which may be the truth, is anything but comforting.
And I’m just feeling that deeply right now. This age-old sigh of once again feeling like I am watching everyone around me experience the life that I have always wanted for myself. I feel like I am constantly missing out on the things that I really want, while also getting to watch every single person get the things that I do desire the most.
Do you ever feel that way?
It’s not the same as comparison. It goes deeper than that. It’s about a yearning and a need deep down in the soul that is going unmet. It’s about insecurities and fears that keep getting poked and once again rise to the surface.
And it’s exhausting.
This feeling of missing out? It’s one I have felt my whole entire life.
Growing up without my mom while all my good friends throughout my childhood came from these amazing families.
Spending most of my college career walking through utter pain and grief that comes with tremendous loss while everyone around me was having the time of their lives.
Working so hard for years and years on my writing career and getting published, only to see people who have come to me for advice get a publishing deal the second they even have the thought of writing a book.
Watching all of my friends get married while I remain perpetually single.
Giving up my twenties to walk through a giant healing journey and years and years in counseling untangling difficult family and friend relationships that have left tremendous scars.
Celebrating with my friends as they have kids while I fear that I’m being completely left behind.
Moving across the country because I feel like it is what God has called me to do, and terrified that my friends and community are going to just forget me since I’m not around anymore, while I struggle in a completely new place to make friends and find my place, and yes I chose it, but I also didn’t choose it at the same time.
It’s just hard. It’s hard to always feel like you are the one missing out. And I’m not so naive to think that we don’t all feel this way at different times. I’ve walked alongside all of these friends that I love so dearly that have so many of the things I so deeply desire for myself. I’ve walked with them through loss and broken relationships and all of these same things that I am feeling myself right now. None of us have perfect lives. We all have insecurities deep within. We all struggle with fear and worry and feeling left out and wondering if we matter.
But my goodness, that doesn’t make it any less hard.
I’m usually not one to use this blog space of mine as one to complain. To share the ugly. But sometimes I just feel like I have to. Because this is the most real. I want to always be as authentic as possible when I come to this place, and this is who I am. This is how I feel right now in this season of my life. I just feel exhausted by it all–all of these years of feeling like I have done without the things I’ve always wanted the most.
This is just a hard season where my life is not where I ever thought it would be at this time in my life. No matter how much I try and wish it to be different. It’s wrestling with the deep reality that this thing that I want the most may never happen. It’s illuminating a fear and insecurity of something that is deep within me. It’s letting go of something I’ve always wanted so deeply after years and years of having to always feel like I’m letting go. I’m just weary of it. And I know part of it is this season and this time of year where loss is just illuminated all the more for me. I get that. But I’m tired of it. I’m tried of being the one that always has to lay down the things she wants the most. And I know that sounds selfish but it is true.
I believe in living my life with open hands. Open to giving God whatever He wants to take from me and open to receiving whatever He places in my life in its place. And it’s just felt like a whole lot of taking. A whole lot. And if that is what glorifies Him best, then so be it. His healing in my life has been worth every broken moment and tear. But I also want to know what He is doing with all of this that He has sometimes painstakingly taken from my life. Because I do believe with all of my heart that He is the giver of every good thing. That He desires goodness for us so deeply. Maybe I just don’t have eyes to see it yet, and that is okay.
I’m just confessing something that is very real in my life right now. That someday I hope that I get to partake in the things that I want the most instead of guiding others in my life along the roads I hope to walk. It’s hard not to feel like God is holding out on you when you can’t see what He is doing with it all yet. It is painful and it is hard, all of this I have had to do without. But I believe He is the restorer and redeemer, and if I only knew, if I only knew, it would color this whole season differently.
But I’m also grateful that He meets us right in the struggle. That He lets us wrestle in the deep. That we can come to Him with our ugly and just be real with Him. Cause He can take all that we throw at Him. And He is also the one that had to give up the most so we in turn to could gain everything. So I know this is small in comparison to the realest of reals and truest of trues. But I also know He is present in that.
I’m just sad. I’m afraid of being left behind. Of letting my dreams go and having to let them go over and over. But more than that, how the laying down of it all is revealing a longing that has always been there and just won’t quit, and there is nothing I can do about it.
I’m just tired of feeling like I am always losing.
But more than anything, I’m grateful that as chaotic and unpredictable and frankly, upsetting, as our circumstances can be, that God is still good just the same. And that He never changes. He gives of Himself in abundance. He does. And He is the keeper of my dreams and my heart. And He’ll just have to keep on holding them. And truly, no better place for them to be.
And side note: you could also read this ENTIRE blog post as just these three sentences: December is the month of heavy blog posts and heavy hearts and you’ve been warned. Lighthearted Kelly will return in January. Or after December 21st.